First Page of My Next (non-fiction) Book

WARNING:

Do not attempt to read this book if you suffer from any of the following conditions: mania, religious fanaticism, frequent heartburn, indigestion, Lyme's disease, bulimia, vertigo, Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome or Alzheimer's. 

In any case, consult your physician before proceeding or trying any the exercises in this book, or consult your psychiatrist. Side effects may include headaches, uncontrollable laughter, mild insanity, blindness, dizziness, schizophrenia, psychosis, happiness, the inability to take Fox News seriously, mania, religious fanaticism, frequent heartburn, indigestion, Lyme's disease, bulimia, vertigo, Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome and Alzheimer's. 

CAUTION:

This book contains blatant speculation, unsubstantiated facts, shoddy research and complete falsehoods.

Tried and True Techniques and Exercises

Every technique described in this book has been thoroughly tested and demonstrated to be effective, though mainly, the techniques were tested on various pets. Just thought you should know that.

Real Actual Warning:

First off, I apologize that when this book was written, my delete key was not functioning properly, or it could have been my old version of WordPerfect. So, in many instances, I say things that I do not mean and take no great pains to undo the damage. Someday, I will go back and fix these. (see Chapter 12: Procrastination is Your Friend). I might also blame a startling lack of white-out at my local office supply store.

This book is satire and is not intended as medical advice, nor psychological advice. Do not take this seriously. It is filled with spurious footnotes and bogus websites. Do not read the footnotes, do not click on the links provided. Do not attempt to employ any of the methods described in this book, especially if you are a sociopath, a serial killer, or ultra-conservative republican.

Do not attempt to read this book if any of the following apply to you:

(Turn back now and you may be eligible for a partial refund)

You think Rush Limbaugh is the height of sagacity. 

You have eaten humus on purpose. (just kidding)

You are a halal Muslim, an orthodox Jew or born again Christian, Mormon missionary, or devout Scientologist. 

(not kidding)

You’ve actually paid $600 for a haircut

You’ve never laughed at a Clavin and Hobbs comic (or, alternatively) you think Gary Larson is just weird.

You currently reside in Khazikistan

Wow, is there anyone left?