Posthumous Publishing, Part 15, Epitaph

The Pros and Cons of Publishing Posthumously

Part 15: Twelve Catchy Epitaphs:

(authors anonymous)

NY Times Best Seller List 1989-1990

I write, I die, I publish

Your scathing 1-star review means nothing to me now

Reading is Eternal, Please plug in the battery charger below this message

By reading this tombstone you are violating 72 international copyright laws

Available on Amazon or Barnes & Noble

Not my best work, now only 99 cents

In life a plumber, in death an author

RIP, My latest obsolete techno-thriller

Finally get to meet Oscar Wilde in person, sort of

A Best Seller in 7 out of the 9 Circles of Hell

Heaven can wait, not done editing

Posthumous Publishing, Part 14, Other Markets

The Pros and Cons of Publishing Posthumously

Part 14: Know Your Market, Zombies and the Reading Dead

Multi-syllabic words are a big turnoff for the Reading Dead. Small words are best, and using a larger typeface can be especially helpful for deceased readers. Plots about “brains,” though somewhat overused, remain a perennial favorite among this target audience. Dialogue tag lines with adverbs are an unnecessary literary device. For example, “Arrhhhhh,” he said dutifully, seems superfluous in all cases. 

Posthumous Publishing, Part 13, Signed, Sealed and Delivered

The Pros and Cons of Posthumous Publishing

Part 13: Writer’s Cramp and Pre-Autographed Editions

It’s always difficult to anticipate how many copies of our book might be sold. Of course, it’s much harder for the dead writer. Posthumous autographs can be a terrible bother. Obviously, autographed copies fetch a premium, especially after several hundred years. It’s a wise author who personalizes his greeting, and with a bit of care and planning it’s a less-difficult task than you might first imagine. A standard message works best: “To (blank), my biggest fan. Thanks for the memories…” It’s best to do just a small bit of autographing each day, before you die: 25-100 seems to be a good number for most. If you already have arthritis, autograph by proxy might be the solution for you. Rubber stamps are a low cost, time-saving option. 

Posthumous Publishing, Part 12, Deadly Editions

The Pros and Cons of Publishing Posthumously

Part 12: Editing from Beyond the Grave

One of the enduring dilemmas for the posthumous author is editing. Should you or shouldn’t you? Even for the living, the task can be an onerous one. Having sons or daughters, (or even distant cousins) do the work for you is one option. Editing before you pass to the great beyond or oblivion is another, even better choice. Be sure to time the release of your new editions with care: 10 years, 25 years, 50 and 100 are tried and true strategies. Plan in advance if possible, if not; seek help from others in the afterlife. (please see part 18, Necropolis here I come). Deathless prose always comes at a cost.

Posthumous Publishing, Part 11, Criticism

The Pros and Cons of Publishing Posthumously

Part 11: Why Criticism Usually Falls on Deaf Ears

Sound travels roughly three- to- four feet underground depending on soil conditions. Low frequencies travel better. Shrill criticism will never reach your ears— it’s a simple scientific fact and comforting one. Nothing is more debilitating to the posthumous author than the constant patter of negative reviews. Surely, it’s the number one positive reason for publishing after death. Bear in mind, being six feet under does not necessarily make you immune to ridicule and derision. Overly sensitive dead-author types may find themselves rolling unaccountably. An extra wide casket may be the right choice for you.

Posthumous Publishing, Part 10, Bright Lights

The Pros and Cons of Publishing Posthumously

"Let there be light"

Part 10: Longest Lasting Book Lights on the Market

Casket-bound or not, it is essential that the posthumous author keeps up with the latest trends in publishing. And that means reading. And that means light. Most cemeteries frown upon high voltage wires leading to their grave sites, but will allow for small solar power arrays. Batteries, rechargeable or not, are also problematic. No one wants to spend eternity alongside a box of leaky D-cells. Things to look for: 1. a strong clip, 2. an adjustable neck, 3. long-life bulbs. Top recommendation: LuminoLite, as it produces a white light similar to daylight, which stimulates the brain and helps you stay alert and energetic. Night-vision goggles are a poor second choice.

Posthumous Publishing, Part 9, Agents

The Pros and Cons of Publishing Posthumously

Part 9: Finding an Agent You Can Really Trust

For the newly-dead author the one important question to ask is: does your agent have off-spring and are they in the family business? Take the long view here and be generous. It makes perfect sense to offer a slightly larger percent of future royalties than if you were a living author. Ceaseless haunting and the ability to invoke gypsy curses are always good backup plans, though threatening to let your work lapse into the public domain is the best motivation of all.

Posthumous Publishing Part 8, Twitter Tips

The Pros and Cons of Publishing Posthumously

Part 8: Twitter Tips for Dead Authors

Short of exhumation, there’s little for the dead author on twitter. Arranging for a “ghost-tweep” to post on your behalf can be expensive and difficult to monitor. For example, below-ground cell service is expensive and unreliable. (6G service is unavailable from most carriers). Ethernet cables are unsightly, and as such,  banned in most cemeteries. Automated posts are the obvious solution and many third party software companies offer a way to schedule tweets in perpetuity. However, the inability to retweet, like, or reply, eventually leads to a follower-less accounts.

Posthumous Publishing, Part 7, Frozen Assets

The Pros and Cons of Posthumous Publishing

Part 7: Modern Cryogenic Technology, An Overview

Urban myths of a frozen Walt Disney aside, cryogenic technology has advanced considerably over the years. Facilities can vary, so arm yourself with the correct questions: How cold is cold? How reliable is the electrical generator? Do they have solar power back-ups in place? Is frostbite insurance available? What an absolute thrill for the posthumous author to re-awaken in the dystopian future that he or she has created! (Be sure to visit Bredo Morstoel at the Frozen Dead Guy Festival in Nederland Colorado, annually, early March, to receive a free kelvin to celsius to fahrenheit temperature conversion guide.)

Posthumous Publishing, Part 6, Advance

The Pros and Cons of Publishing Posthumously

Part 6: The Publisher’s Advance, Always a Good Idea?

The short answer is yes, though in our complex legalistic society, the answer is often no. Dying before completing any contracted work can sometimes lead to massive debt and unwanted liens. Except for the pennies on your eyes, the old adage, “you can’t take it with you” is applicable in most cases, though extra-large caskets are available for a premium. The drawbacks of course are grave-robbers and overly enthusiastic archeologists. Gold and gems preserve well; paper currency, including stocks and bonds should be protected in hermetically sealed containers.

Posthumous Publishing, Part 5, Royalties

The Pros and Cons of Publishing Posthumously

For the success you'll never experience in life...

Part 5: Planning for a Contested Last Will and Testament

Families are at best unpredictable, especially when it comes to money or sizable royalty checks. The first question to ask: is there anyone in your immediate family whom you trust completely? If the answer is yes, that person should have sole access to your passwords, username and PINs. If the answer is no, look further afield to distant relatives, long lost cousins, or wealthy aunts and uncles. They often fit the bill, especially if they have means of their own. In all cases, bear in mind copyrights last for a mere 95 years. Grandchildren and great grandchildren should be fully cognizant of all and any publication dates.

Posthumous Publishing, Part 4, Fiction

The Pros and Cons of Publishing Posthumously

Part 4: Fictional Death or Actual Death, the Consequences

Fictional death, and what I mean by that, is faking-your-own-death, tends to be more difficult than actual death— though not always. Accidents do happen. A general rule of thumb: your corpse must never be found, or if it is, it must be unrecognizable. The best approach is always a “disappearance” and it can be equally effective in boosting sales and publicity. Keep in mind, new identification documents are costly, and be sure to set up a numbered Swiss bank account before taking the plunge. Handy tip: The number one spot on earth for the “disappeared” is the Grand Cayman Islands, Sea View Road, near the East End Post Office and two blocks from the ATM machine.

Posthumous Publishing, Part 3, Television

The Pros and Cons of Publishing Posthumously

Success is virtually guaranteed!

Part 3: Low Cost, Pre-Taped Video Interviews

Television, radio and even video-blog appearances can be problematic for the dead writer. It’s not always easy to choose which programs you should be “seen” on. Do they reach the widest possible audience? Is that audience within your demographic parameters? Will your readers respond well to the host? For the living author, these questions rarely pose a problem. As a dead author you have to keep a long-term strategy in focus. Demographics might change in the next 100 years. The celebrity host du jour might be just a flash-in-the-pan tomorrow. In any event, it’s easy to pre-record your answers to predictable questions that any presenter will ask. There are several firms across the internet that offer such services, or if you’re good with a laptop, you can record your own interviews. A handy tip: Be sure to leave fifteen-second gaps of silence between your responses.

Posthumous Publishing, Part 2, Bookworms

In the weeks to come, I'll be posting this handy 28 Part Guide to Posthumous Publishing.
Success is virtually guaranteed!

Part 2: Bookworms and Other Kinds

Terrible to contemplate, but bookworms are not always welcome readers. They usually take an exceedingly narrow view of the written word as they bore through the pages of any book, fiction or nonfiction. They are not known for having even the most basic comprehension and retention skills, so don’t expect rave reviews. On the plus side, bookworms do tend to take on any genre available to them, so if you write erotic zombie stories, post-apocalyptic crime fiction, unhelpful self help guides, or highly-technical nonfiction, they can be considered a large and reliable audience. Other worms, especially earthworms, are generally not to be considered avid readers, though they may cause other unmentionable difficulties for the would-be posthumous author.

Posthumous Publishing, Part 1, Doctors and Lawyers

In the weeks to come, I'll be posting this handy 28 Part Guide to Posthumous Publishing.
Success is virtually guaranteed!


Part 1: Medical Death versus Legal Death, Know Your Rights

Lawyers and doctors rarely agree on anything and death is no exception. If you’re planning on publishing posthumously, pay special attention to the exact time of your death. Check to see that hospital and/or hospice records correspond to the death certificate, and make sure the latter has raised seal. Failure to do so might jeopardize future royalties, cause problems with the IRS and Social Security Administration; and moreover, leave hopeless legal morass that will have to be cleaned up by your surviving loved ones. There are copyright issues as well; chances are you completed your opus magna before you actually died, in a legal sense or a medical sense. If this is not the case you may need to seek professional help.

The Pros & Cons of Publishing Posthumously

In the weeks to come, I'll be posting this handy 28 Part Guide to Posthumous Publishing.
Success is virtual guaranteed!

Topics will include the following:

Part 1: Medical Death versus Legal Death, Know Your Rights
Part 2: Bookworms and Other Kinds
Part 3: Low Cost, Pre-Taped Video Interviews
Part 4: Fictional Death or Actual Death, the Consequences
Part 5: Planning for a Contested Last Will and Testament
Part 6: The Publisher’s Advance, Always a Good Idea?
Part 7: Modern Cryogenic Technology, An Overview
Part 8: Exhumation, Twitter Tips for Dead Authors
Part 9: Finding an Agent You Can Really Trust
Part 10: Longest Lasting Book Lights on the Market
Part 11: Why Criticism Usually Falls on Deaf Ears
Part 12: Editing from Beyond the Grave
Part 13: Writer’s Cramp and Pre-Autographed Editions
Part 14: Know Your Market, Zombies and the Reading Dead
Part 15: Twelve Catchy Epitaphs
Part 16: Hard Cover, Cremation or PDF?
Part 17: World’s Most Prestigious Cemeteries
Part 18: Necropolis Here I Come!
Part 19: Choosing the Right Tablet
Part 20: Royalties, Social Security and the IRS
Part 21: Why Self-Publishing May Be Ineffective
Part 22: After-Market Retirement Plans
Part 23: Terminology Blunders, Not Early Retirement
Part 24: Heaven or Hell? Location Matters
Part 25: The Joys of Illuminated Manuscripts
Part 26: A Handy Hundred Year Planning Guide (foldable)
Part 27: Not Ghostwriting in the Strict Sense of the Word
Part 28: Timing is Everything!

see you soon...

First Review for "The Reviewer"

A bit ironic, I suppose...

5.0 out of 5 starsFast, Fresh, and VERY Funny!

ByBorn To Runon February 3, 2017

Verified Purchase

Let's face it.....being an indie-writer has got to be one of the hardest jobs on the planet. You use all the creative

 juices you have, spend countless hours on character, plot development, research, edits, rewrites, etc. with only 

the "hope" that your story/ book will be read and enjoyed. What is the author's life like during that emotional 

and time consuming process? What are the authors' expectations for his / her work? What happens after the 

author pushes "Publish"?
Reviews are everything in today's online global indie-writer world ......they can make or break talented and 

untalented authors alike. "The Reviewer" provides dramatic insights and adds an element of suspenseful 

intrigue to this modern drama that, while thoroughly thought provoking, is fast, fresh, and VERY funny. 

I loved it and crave more!

Thank you !

This story should probably not be read by people lacking a sense of humor or other indie-authors!

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01N249E76?ref_=pe_2427780_160035660